Emotional Vampires
If you know me or your around me long enough I am always talking about protecting your peace, bad energy , setting healthy boundaries and emotional vampires. Due to my childhood trauma I am a fixer. I am attracted to people whose life is chaotic and needs fixing in some aspect. This is something I have had to come to terms with. I just naturally thrive in those types of relationships. Due to childhood neglect and abuse these relationships makes me feel needed and I have a role to play. When I realised this it also made sense why I am in caring profession. It just all made sense. This is not all a bad thing until everyone around me needs fixing in some aspect and I just bounce myself from one friendship group to another fixing and patching up people. I eventually become emotionally burnout then I recluse back into my shell.
The older I get I have learnt the hard way that I cannot live this type of life. I need to look after myself and pour into myself as much as I pour into other people. How do I do that?…by protecting my peace , setting healthy boundaries ,being able to identify people with bad energy and who are emotional vampires.
Emotional vampires are people from the get go of being around them or on the phone with them they have literally have nothing good to say about their lives. They tell you everything that’s not going well and then at the end of the conversation they might mention one small good thing which just goes over your head because your brain is just filled with all the negative things they’ve said.
These type of conversations are normally one sided maybe after an hour of talking about themselves they might go “soo.. what’s going on with you?. By this point I normally say “ Oh nothing much” or I selectively pick something to say. This person is not the person I can celebrate my wins with and that’s okay. They’re just not the right audience. If you do share something positive in your live they might respond “ oh that’s nice” , “ I’m so happy for you” in the most monotone voice ever. Everyone has at least one emotional vampire in their lives.
In order to make sure that this friendship works for you healthy boundaries is important.
Not being able to set healthy boundaries means that you have low self esteem, you are afraid of loosing friends and have a fear of not being loved. Saying yes to everything or being a people pleaser is not going to benefit you or your friend. That friend ends up being an emotional vampire and you end up suffering in the long run. If some one loves you they’re going to love you even more when you set boundaries because they know where they stand in the relationship /friendship and so do you. Their respect for you might even grow greatly.
Here are some of the ways I set healthy boundaries.
“ I do not have the capacity to speak right now. How about next week Wednesday?’’. That way you give your self time to emotionally prepare yourself to spend time with that person.
“ I can’t talk right now is it urgent, can I call you tomorrow?. This is a time that suits you and not just them.
“ Would you mind if we talk through text instead of over the phone?”. By communicating through text you can control when the conversation comes to an end and to what extend you allow this person to emotionally drain you.
Archiving your conversation with the person. This might come off as harsh but hear me out. When that person is sending you 101 messages about your day archiving the person allows you to have a breather. The messages will still be there for when your in a better head space to read the messages and engage in that conversation.
Sometimes it takes me a few days to respond back to people and when I do respond I always thank them for their patience. I used to apologise and then I stopped because am I actually sorry?.
I have also received all read receipts from my phone. There are people who get annoyed with you because you read the message at 9:49am and you respond at 13:00. Why should you feel pressurised to respond immediately. Its your phone , are those people paying your bills?. Some people actually think your phone should be glued to your hands all the time when that is definitely not the case.
“ Thank you for the invite however this is not something that appeals to be at the moment” or “ I am honoured you thought of me unfortunately this event is not within my budget maybe next time”.
Saying no to going to events you do not want to go too or can’t afford to go too is important. As I said previously saying yes all the time does not benefit you or your friend. You might say yes and then it takes all the emotional power to get glammed up and get to the event. Is it me or does a sequence of events always happen to nail it in even more why you shouldn’t go?. Like your eyelash won’t stick, your make up didn’t come out as good as it normally does, your hair is not complying with you, it starts to rain or snow. Your Uber cancels on you after waiting 10 minutes and the list goes on.
I can’t emphasise enough protect your peace, set healthy boundaries, identify the emotional vampires and people with the bad vibes.
What other boundaries have you found useful leave a comment.